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The Main Forums => Good Books & Readings => Topic started by: IvorThirst on April 22, 2011, 04:53:55 PM

Title: Complete Limericks
Post by: IvorThirst on April 22, 2011, 04:53:55 PM
Especially for Pen , and to add to my contribution on the Rhyme thread,

A combustible woman from Thang
Exploded one day with a Bang!
The maid then rushed in
And said with a grin,
\'Pardon me, madam - you rang?\'

Yes another one from dear old Terence Miligan.
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Norm Deplume on April 22, 2011, 05:22:53 PM
There was a young Lady from Tottenham
Who had no manners or had forgotten them
She had tea at the Vicar\'s
and whipped off her knickers
because she said she felt hot in \'em
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: IvorThirst on April 22, 2011, 05:30:36 PM
Norm, this is why we have kept away from limericks. Kronalias\' dictum is \'don\'t type anything that you want your (grand)children or maiden aunt  to see\'.
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Kronalias on April 22, 2011, 05:47:09 PM
Agreed. And especially if there are too many syllables in the second line...
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Truthyness on April 22, 2011, 07:20:14 PM
Agreed again ... only despite the syllables, it (:Dis pretty hilarious ...
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Lady Penelope on April 22, 2011, 10:13:21 PM
Actually my maiden aunt knew some pretty risque linericks.
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: waiting4atickle on April 23, 2011, 02:16:16 AM
There was a young vicar from Salisbury
whose manners were quite halisbury-scalisbury.
He went around Hampshire
without any pampshire
\'til his bishop compelled him to walisbury.
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Norm Deplume on April 23, 2011, 12:30:34 PM
My great aunt wrote that one Ivor and my granddaughter laughed like a drain when auntie gave it to her to read!
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: IvorThirst on April 23, 2011, 02:57:24 PM
If it had crossed the line, it would have been deleted. That was an early warning.
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Lady Penelope on April 23, 2011, 03:31:40 PM
What are you doing for Easter,
Well, last year I have such a feasta
Spaghetti and Chips and chocolate whips
which  all went to my hips,
So this year Im told I musts cease\'ta.


Anyway A VERY HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE  whatever you are doing (or eating)
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Norm Deplume on April 23, 2011, 05:01:25 PM
There\'s me thinking that I had got away from the BBC and their tyranical moderators and into the arms of freedom. I see that I\'ll have to watch my step, or chop!
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: IvorThirst on April 23, 2011, 05:13:54 PM
Now, now, we\'re not that bad. You still have freedom from, but not necessarily freedom to. We only ask that everyone self-moderates. I myself have had my knuckles rapped for using smilies that others have considered inappropriate; let\'s just say two bald-headed men fighting in a sack!

So, be good and the moderators will offer a (http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/kiss/blow.gif)

be naughty and (http://www.myemoticons.com/emoticon-critic/images/rude/whipping.gif)

;)
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Norm Deplume on April 23, 2011, 08:07:52 PM
OOOH! You are awful, but I like you!
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: IvorThirst on April 23, 2011, 08:18:27 PM
I should point out that the moderators are female and administration are male.
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Truthyness on April 23, 2011, 08:58:28 PM
As chance would have it!8-)
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: SRD on April 25, 2011, 09:14:24 PM
Nothing chancey about it; the men make the rules the women enforce them.

I, Caesar, when I learned of the fame
Of Cleopatra, I straightway laid claim.
Ahead of my legions,
I invaded her regions,
I saw, I conquered, I came.
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: SRD on April 25, 2011, 09:17:07 PM
On the breast of a barmaid in Sale
Is tattoo\'d the price of brown ale
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Is the same information, in braille!
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: SRD on April 25, 2011, 09:17:32 PM
From the crypt of the Church of St. Giles,
Came a cry that resounded for miles;
Said the Vicar \"Good Gracious!
\"Has Father Ignatius
\"Forgotten the Bishop has piles?\"
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Truthyness on April 25, 2011, 10:09:34 PM
(http://www.smilies.4-user.de/include/Girls/smilie_girl_123.gif) but wotch out for the kiddy-wink watershed, that\'s getting fairly close to the bone SRD! Only responding as an Enforcer naturellement! :>

SRD Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> On the breast of a barmaid in Sale
> Is tattoo\'d the price of brown ale
> And on her behind,
> For the sake of the blind,
> Is the same information, in braille!
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: SRD on April 25, 2011, 10:45:21 PM
I thought the line to be drawn was what I was happy for my children to read, not what Mrs Whitehouse thought was acceptable.  I understand that my not having any children of my own puts me at somewhat of a disadvantage so I choose to use the standards of my parents, all three of whom were church-goers and teachers of young children, and my grandparents, two of whom were strong, middle-class non-conformist chapel-goers, yet entertained me as a child sharing their bed of a morning, with ribald comments about my grandmother strapping herself into her underwear and the other two who were educated working class for whom language in all its breadth was a thing to enjoy.

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSrXqOI9988[/video]
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Truthyness on April 25, 2011, 11:38:13 PM
Ahhhh yes, but the point is that it\'s a very fine line ... and another is where precisely to draw it ... and beyond that should it be straight or wiggly ::o
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: waiting4atickle on April 26, 2011, 11:54:03 AM
As a father of three, I can\'t see any problem whatsoever with the barmaid limerick - the previous one was surely far more risqué.


The limerick is furtive and mean
You must keep her in close quarantine
Or she sneaks to the slums
And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk and obscene.
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Truthyness on April 26, 2011, 02:04:34 PM
The point is: avoid the more risqué rhymes;)
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: SRD on April 26, 2011, 06:24:37 PM
Don\'t be ridiculous, that would rule out 99.9% of all limericks and 99.9% of the good ones.

A cartographer working for Shell-Mex
Made a list of the ways he\'d had sex.
He described with much mirth
Sixty nine (soixante-neuf)
As \"The time I tried base over apex.\"
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: IvorThirst on April 26, 2011, 07:57:14 PM
The delightfully named Mr Cholmonderly
A devout fan of Francis Roy Plomley
Once said to George Featherstonehaugh
Do you have bandsaw?
Your wife\'s legs are rather quite comely!
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Truthyness on April 26, 2011, 08:11:49 PM
How you do love a bicker SRD. Take your fun where you can and be my guest... and while you\'re at it, take my (friendly)advice too, steer well away from the risqué Limericks. And now, the stage is yours ... go right ahead, enjoy  .....
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: SRD on April 26, 2011, 09:02:54 PM
There was an old woman called Tru
Who got sniffy when limericks turned blue
\"Just think of the kiddies
And sensitive biddies
like me or I\'ll send you to Crewe.\"

Which should have been Coventry but it doesn\'t rhyme.
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Ironeyes on April 26, 2011, 10:26:12 PM
You are quite the mischievous little boy aren\'t you SRD?

Looks like you\'re heading for the naughty step.
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: SRD on April 26, 2011, 10:39:37 PM
How complimentary, but I\'m afraid that, what with the beer and the good food it\'s been a long while since I was little.
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Ironeyes on April 26, 2011, 10:58:02 PM
Excellent, I now have a picture of you being like the Tardis, but in reverse.
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Truthyness on April 26, 2011, 11:40:04 PM
A cantank\'rous gent on this phorum
Took umbrage at rules of decorum
As his standards slipped
The Mod/Admins clipped
the saucier bits and deplored \'em
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Truthyness on April 27, 2011, 12:27:30 AM
Very apt atickle!

waiting4atickle Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> The limerick is furtive and mean
> You must keep her in close quarantine
> Or she sneaks to the slums
> And promptly becomes
> Disorderly, drunk and obscene.
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: SRD on April 27, 2011, 07:58:15 AM
Ironeyes Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Excellent, I now have a picture of you being like
> the Tardis, but in reverse.

I\'m not sure time travel is my thing, I have enough problems with today.
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Lady Penelope on April 27, 2011, 09:08:00 AM
Truthyness Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Very apt atickle!
>
> waiting4atickle Wrote:
> --------------------------------------------------
> -----
>
> > The limerick is furtive and mean
> > You must keep her in close quarantine
> > Or she sneaks to the slums
> > And promptly becomes
> > Disorderly, drunk and obscene.

Not only is it apt, but it is funny it scans (which is more than can be said for most - yes, including mine - )
its clean and the rhymes are clever.   Give atickle a coconut  and a gold star, someone!>:D<
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Lady Penelope on April 29, 2011, 09:40:13 AM
Requiem for a Limerick thread:(

A Limerick pure without smut
is perfectly feasible, but
Like low alcohol wine
 it lacks a punch line
and, like coffee sans caffeine, goes phut.
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Truthyness on April 29, 2011, 12:07:46 PM
(http://www.clicksmilies.com/s1106/travesmilies/simi_simli/simli_scared.gif)
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Ironeyes on April 30, 2011, 01:01:06 PM
It’s tricky to draw lines between
Poems labelled as smutty or clean
Defining we find
Is all in the mind,
But don’t post the truly obscene

The rules here are not rocket science
Though some will still act in defiance
They’ll seek to include
Something really quite rude
Whilst claiming it’s not non-compliance
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Truthyness on April 30, 2011, 01:28:14 PM
Just a possible tweak IE.

Do you think
\"Whilst claiming it is in compliance\"
scans?
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Ironeyes on April 30, 2011, 04:26:53 PM
You\'re not wrong, but I just LOVE double negatives
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Kronalias on April 30, 2011, 05:38:43 PM
I\'ll go with IE\'s first, as I don\'t need no double neg to know that I wasn\'t minded to unprefer that one.

I think.
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Truthyness on April 30, 2011, 07:30:13 PM
What did you have in mind; something like this? (http://www.thecomputermechanics.com/forums/images/smilies/laie_nonono.gif)
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Ironeyes on May 01, 2011, 09:47:21 AM
That Tru is no Banksy is clear
But I haven\'t come here to sneer
She chooses to paint
With practised restraint
Unless she is sated with beer
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Truthyness on May 01, 2011, 12:50:58 PM
I\'m gonna regret this next bit ....

Ironeyes Dear ... what who is Banksy (yes I know I could Google, only I prefer to give you t he chance to dig your claws in):D
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Ironeyes on May 01, 2011, 01:25:40 PM
Truthy, my claws are retracted.........until needed.

To answer simply, Banksy is a street artist, but simplicity though appealing, is not always enough.

I do recommend you explore the Google/Wiki route, it\'s more fun.
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Lady Penelope on May 01, 2011, 03:43:00 PM
Tru : or you could just search for \"Banksy\" on this Phorum!  He came up in a discussion some time ago!
I had to do a google search  - I was ashamed to admit Ididnt know who he was - and let us just say I was gobsmacked (er, am I allowed to say THAT).   Would be really interested to hear what you think!
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Truthyness on May 01, 2011, 04:05:53 PM
Found this one (http://www.artlyst.com/articles/new-banksy-work-appears-on-fitzrovia-side-street) to my taste. Heavy duty cynicism there too, in the same ilk as Safety Catch (http://beebotron.org/phorum/read.php?10,23846,23846#msg-23846) Penny. I\'ll look up the discussion on these boards when I get a minute later this evening.

Just off to bask at an organic trade fair ...
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: waiting4atickle on May 03, 2011, 09:12:47 PM
A lively young damsel named Menzies
Inquired: \"Do you know what this thenzies?\"
    Her aunt, with a gasp,
    Replied: \"It\'s a wasp,
And you\'re holding the end where the stenzies.\"
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: IvorThirst on May 03, 2011, 10:27:12 PM
Very good. On a par with Cholmonderley.
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Truthyness on May 04, 2011, 12:00:24 AM
Agreed! though you get dizzy reading \'em!
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Ironeyes on May 04, 2011, 12:04:13 AM
I\'d give more credit if they were the work of the poster rather than copied from elsewhere on the net.
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Truthyness on May 04, 2011, 12:18:00 AM
But no one\'s claiming authorship as far as I can see IE.
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: waiting4atickle on May 04, 2011, 12:45:29 AM
Truthyness Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> But no one\'s claiming authorship as far as I can
> see IE.


Indeed not.  This phorum is called \'Good Books & Readings\', so I\'ve just been quoting limericks that strike me as good and/or appropriate.
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Ironeyes on May 04, 2011, 08:46:05 AM
But no one\'s claiming authorship as far as I can see IE.

I can\'t argue with you there, Truthy, but I didn\'t suggest that anybody was claiming authorship.  However, the more naive, innocent (not you, of course) visitors here may mistakenly believe that a limerick is the work of the poster, unless it is stated otherwise.

Wouldn\'t it be easier and more honest to just post the url of the site(s) where the limerick(s) can be found?

For anyone who might not know, (there can\'t be anybody surely!), if you paste the first line of the limerick into Google, e.t.c, you can easily find the source of previously published works.
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Truthyness on May 04, 2011, 10:32:51 AM
But Darling Fluffy Sweet IE does the batter really matter?
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: IvorThirst on May 04, 2011, 02:39:28 PM
A little less of the \'they\', IE, I composed, mine myself. I do admit that the concept is not new.
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Lady Penelope on May 04, 2011, 03:02:39 PM
Ironeyes Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

>
> Wouldn\'t it be easier and more honest to just post
> the url of the site(s) where the limerick(s) can
> be found?

No for some of us it wouldnt.  I have limited knowledge, time and internet capacity and as a matter of fact I dont know how to post url, shocking as that may be to you.   However if we went into it, I am sure there are things I can do that you cant - and not the obvious either.   As for honest so far all mine  have been my own efforts - but that is only because the only one I can remember of someone else\' might not pass to kiddy test!   And it comes from a book not a web site.   I am actually grateful to people who take the trouble to pass on good ones that I havent had time to see on the web.:)-D
>
> For anyone who might not know, (there can\'t be
> anybody surely!), if you paste the first line of
> the limerick into Google, e.t.c, you can easily
> find the source of previously published works

No as a matter of fact I didnt! 8-)  \"And frankly, my dear, I couldn\'t care a d................\"   (quote)
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: IvorThirst on May 04, 2011, 03:12:43 PM
Now, Now, Pen. You know that you should acknowledge the quote; if I remember correctly, it was Rhett Butler in Gone with the Wind.
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Lady Penelope on May 04, 2011, 03:26:37 PM
But I thought EVERYONE knew THAT,Ivor
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: IvorThirst on May 04, 2011, 03:30:56 PM
I don\'t know, it was before my time. :>
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Ironeyes on May 04, 2011, 04:21:41 PM
Truthy, that\'s unfair.

You know I\'m helpless when you call me fluffy.
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Ironeyes on May 04, 2011, 04:22:42 PM
Ivor,

They know who \"they\" are.
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Ironeyes on May 04, 2011, 04:32:14 PM
Lady P,

Calm down, dear.

Don\'t worry your pretty little head about this, IE will help you.

1.  Highlight the first line of the limerick and press the Ctrl and the C keys together.

2.  Go to Google.

3.  With your cursor in the field where you normally type, press the Ctrl and the V keys together.

4.  The first line will now be copied into that field.

5.  If a list of sites doesn\'t appear immediately, press Enter or click on Google Search.

6.  A list of sites will appear.

That should take no longer than 30 seconds.

If there\'s anything else I can help with, you know where to find me.
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Truthyness on May 04, 2011, 08:47:30 PM
(http://www.smilies.4-user.de/include/Girls/smilie_girl_071.gif)

In answer to Ive\'s
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Lady Penelope on May 04, 2011, 08:59:00 PM
Ironeyes Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Lady P,
>
> Calm down, dear.


>
> Don\'t worry your pretty little head about this, IE
> will help you.

/dear sweet IE I thought I had already explained I dont!B)-   I have too many other things to worry it about
> #-o

>
> That should take no longer than 30 seconds.

Oh come off it -  the first item alone would take longer  - and that is after first catch your limerick::o
>
> If there\'s anything else I can help with, you know
> where to find me.

May take you up - what about \"all you ever wanted to know about Word Processing and never liked to ask\"*   So I can write a book.


* attribute Woody Allen I think, Ivor?
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Truthyness on May 04, 2011, 09:02:55 PM
Ironeyes Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Truthy, that\'s unfair.
>
> You know I\'m helpless when you call me fluffy.

xxxxxx(http://www.smilies.4-user.de/include/Girls/smilie_girl_158.gif)

or

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx(http://www.smilies.4-user.de/include/Girls/smilie_girl_001.gif)
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: SRD on May 05, 2011, 08:07:40 AM
Where mine came from (http://www.salems.co.uk/viewtopic.php?f=17&t=272)
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: waiting4atickle on May 05, 2011, 09:08:05 AM
If you post limericks on this phorum
Make sure that they don\'t lack decorum
And, if they\'re not yours,
You\'d best quote the source
Or everyone else will deplore \'em.
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Truthyness on May 05, 2011, 11:03:35 AM
waiting4atickle Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> If you post limericks on this phorum
> Make sure that they don\'t lack decorum
> And, if they\'re not yours,
> You\'d best quote the source
> Or everyone else will deplore \'em.

There\'s a distinct whiff of plagiarism (http://smileys.smilchat.net/smileys/expressives2/alaloupe.gif) there Tickle. I\'d wotchit if I were you! (http://www.thecomputermechanics.com/forums/images/smilies/girl_blum2.gif)
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Ironeyes on May 05, 2011, 08:06:20 PM
Truthy,

What is this girlie

(http://www.smilies.4-user.de/include/Girls/smilie_girl_001.gif)

eating?
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Truthyness on May 05, 2011, 08:33:24 PM
Hmmmm! Well, Beloved IE (he of the hypnotic stare), I\'m glad you asked me that! I looked and looked and with a magnifying glass too ... and interpreted it to mean.............................



























cupboard love
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Ironeyes on May 05, 2011, 08:39:04 PM
Is that like \"sardines\"?
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Truthyness on May 05, 2011, 08:41:10 PM
Ironeyes Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Is that like \"sardines\"?

N O no!  (now let\'s not get carried away here sweetheart!)
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Becki on May 05, 2011, 09:55:34 PM
Ironeyes Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> Truthy,
>
> What is this girlie
>
> (http://www.smilies.4-user.de/include/Girls/smilie_girl_001.gif)
>
> eating?

It looks like an orange to me.

Can\'t see any resemblance to sardines?


(http://www.crooked-stroke.org/gallery/smilies/light/images/spaghetti.gif) <--- How\'s about that for cupboard love Tru?

This is the chef. (http://www.crooked-stroke.org/gallery/smilies/light/images/chef2.gif)


Sorry, i\'ll leave you to get back to the limericks now.
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Truthyness on May 05, 2011, 10:59:04 PM
Becki Wrote:

> Sorry, i\'ll leave you to get back to the limericks
> now.

Thanks for the clarification Becki ... but how about a contribution ... B)
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Becki on May 05, 2011, 11:20:06 PM
Truthyness Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------

> Thanks for the clarification Becki ... but how
> about a contribution ... B)


I don\'t do poetry in any form myself, (http://www.smilies.4-user.de/include/Girls/smilie_girl_168.gif) but i do have books . . . Here\'s one, Spike Milligan\'s \'Silly Verse for Kids\', that\'s got to have something good in it.

How about:

The land of Bumbley Boo

In the land of the Bumbley Boo
The People are red white and blue,
They never blow noses,
Or ever wear closes,
What a sensible thing to do!

In the land of the Bumbley Boo
You can buy Lemon pie at the zoo;
They give away foxes
In little Pink Boxes
And Bottles of Dandylion Stew.

In the land of the Bumbley Boo
You never see a Gnu,
But thousands of cats
Wearing trousers and hats
Made of Pumpkins and Pelican Glue!


There\'s a chorus too but that\'s not a limerick.
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Truthyness on May 06, 2011, 01:43:34 AM
Well all I can say is that I absolutely LOVE it. What else would you do w/anything Spike wrote?(http://www.smilies.4-user.de/include/Girls/smilie_girl_107.gif)
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: Janaru on May 06, 2011, 06:03:35 PM
I\'m a prolific poster on Phorum
And try hard to post with decorum
But as some people know
We gave Limericks a go
And I darn near got kicked off for being dirty, foul-mouthed, and highly inappropriate, so I don\'t believe I\'ll be taking part in this one this time around :P
Title: Re: Complete Limericks
Post by: waiting4atickle on May 19, 2011, 11:26:52 PM
There was a young lady from Belvoir
Who was dogged by a terrible felvoir.
The took her to Leicester,
Where doctors undreicester
And discovered a golden retrelvoir.